With it being February and the month when we celebrate love, now feels like a good time to talk about finding love, dating and relationships. Dating and everything surrounding it, can often feel like a challenging experience when you have vitiligo. So many thoughts can feel overwhelming as we question whether a person is going to like us and whether our skin will create a barrier when potentially meeting the one.

Hearing stories from others with vitiligo always feels like a source of encouragement which is why we were keen to hear your experiences in navigating dating and forming relationships. Here’s what you shared with us.

All stories are shared anonymously. 

The unexpected compliment

When it came to my skin, compliments were far off the radar and completely unexpected, which is why this memory sticks out so much for me.

I was on a second date with a guy that I really liked and given we had got on so well the first time we met, I felt like there was a really great connection between us. Some might say a second date should make you feel more comfortable and ease the anxiety you might feel because of your skin, but this wasn’t the case for me. I still felt self conscious and constantly worried about what he might be thinking. It was my hands that I was most uncomfortable with – they were bright white and patchy and they were a part of me that I simply couldn’t hide. 

To avoid any questions, I’d keep my hands firmly under the table which was difficult given I’m a very expressive person. A few times I noticed him glance at them as l picked up a glass and immediately | could feel my temperature rise with embarrassment. I felt like a fraud. 

Eventually, after an hour of still getting to know each other, he said “Im not sure why you keep hiding your hands because they’re really beautiful”. I was completely blown away and shocked. I stumbled over my words, mumbled an endearing thank you and politely moved the conversation on. 

Not only did it give me some peace of mind that my skin wasn’t an issue but it was a reminder that the right person wont see your skin, they’ll see you for the person you are. By the end of the night, I felt completely different and comfortable and even explained to him what vitiligo was and he wasn’t phased at all. It completely changed my perspective towards dating and I was able to do so knowing my skin wasn’t as big of a problem as I thought.

The ‘awkward’ question that became an icebreaker

Vitiligo can sometimes feel like the elephant in the room, and for many people on a dating journey it has stopped them from feeling present whilst in the company of another person. The biggest concern can be “what is my date thinking about my skin” or “is it going to put them off when they find out”.

Back in the day, l used to spend ages overthinking and contemplating whether | should tell a date I had vitiligo or whether I should wait for them to ask the question. It literally sucked the life out of the enjoyable part of dating! I have had the odd person politely ask “what is that on your skin?” and whilst it’s felt awkward in the moment, l’ve also respected they’ve felt comfortable enough to ask. It did feel like a relief afterwards and allowed me to shake off the horrible anticipation and relax into the date more. I definitely prefer if guys ask me now so that I can explain. They’ve never been bothered by it and i’ve come to understand they are asking out of curiosity rather than because they don’t like it.

The shared story

Hearing that your date is familiar with vitiligo always feels like a relief and it did when it happened to me.

I recall my date casually telling me that his best friend had a patch of vitiligo on his face and that he was always protective of him at school. There were two things I liked about this. The first is that there was no need for me to explain what vitiligo was to him as his familiarity meant that my skin wasn’t a shock or reason to hesitate, and secondly, he understood that a visible difference can make a person feel vulnerable so it was endearing to hear the protectiveness he had over his friend. I even felt comfortable telling him that I was occasionally called ‘Zebra Spots’ at school to which we both had a little giggle about. Him having a best friend with the condition created an extra special bond between us which made our first date story even more special.

The ‘wearing what makes you feel confident’ story

When it comes to dating, our wardrobe choices play a big part in giving us that extra little confidence boost because what we wear can positively impact how we feel. Often, we feel like we are restricted because our natural response is to wear something that covers us up. Trousers, jeans, long sleeved tops, blouses, blazers and anything that helps us to disguise it. 

I recall many occasions when i’ve been sitting opposite someone and not felt comfortable taking off my blazer because of what my arms look like. The internal conversation I’d be having with myself whilst I switched between ‘yes, I’ll take it off’ to ‘maybe I won’t’ was stressful. That was until one time I decided that I’d had enough of hiding and overthinking it, so whilst I was on a date I confidently removed my jacket, flung it on the back of the chair and showed him who I was! I felt so liberated, so free and proud. He didn’t say a word and I know that he noticed the patches on my arms, that was when I knew my skin wasn’t the problem…I was the problem for thinking it should be covered. 

The breakup reflection 

Some years after I’d broken up with a partner, I found an old photo of our first date. At the time, I was probably at my lowest point in terms of how I felt about my skin. My confidence was at an all time low. The photo brought back alot of memories…..how nervous I was around him and how much time I spent wondering whether he liked me. 

We ended up dating for a few years and despite how much he liked me and how complimentary he was, I always used to question if he was being genuine or just saying things to make me feel better. My lack of confidence in myself made me reject his truth. 

Eventually, after working on my own mindset and recognising my triggers, I was able to feel relaxed and welcome his love. His actions towards me spoke louder than words and he was always mindful of making me feel comfortable and attractive. 

Despite the relationship not working in the end, it was one which taught me alot about how someone is supposed to make you feel in a partnership. It taught me that, when someone loves you, it’s so much bigger than a skin condition and when he used to tell me he couldn’t see my skin, that was the truth. The only thing he saw was me and who I was whilst I was with him. My experience with him has allowed me to date with confidence knowing that my personality, my character and who I am as a person is more than enough….